I Loved You until I Didn’t…

It was the moment I realised that I couldn’t talk to you about anything and everything, there was no depth or meaning in our most random conversations anymore. It was when we stopped saying the good things and the hard things. It was that moment when the ease and comfort I felt in the beginning was no longer there. It was the moment when we no longer talked about our emotions bottling them up instead.
Did you lose the admiration in my qualities or did I lose mine for yours? it doesn’t really matter now as I can’t bring myself to care. Sometimes people just fit into the idea of what we thought we’d want in a partner, so we think we’re in love because all the boxes on the list are ticked off. When I look back at our time I’ve come to realise that our ending was inevitable, no matter how much I tried to hold on I think I knew that this time around there would be no intermission, no cliffhanger. No this was the end that I didn’t realise that we both needed even though after the end there was that moment of hesitation. The hesitation wasn’t for our relationship no the moment of hesitation was the acknowledgement of how we’d struggled to find meaning and to find love and to find ourselves in the idea of us.
When I realised that I no longer loved you, I questioned everything, its only in retrospect that I acknowledge that there was love there. Definitely in the beginning, and in the middle, even in the end there was love. Our love was bigger than holding onto something that no longer worked, no longer made us happy and no longer helped us to grow, yes it was messy in the end but there was purpose. I guess the moment I realised I was no longer IN-love with you I was in denial. I didn’t want to be the one that left, at the same time I didn’t want to be the one that begged you to come back to me, even though thats what ended up happening.
I don’t think anyone ever pictures the end, when you fall in love- you’re supposed to push through everything- that wasn’t our story. I loved you until I didn’t. We became so tired, we didn’t want to fight for us anymore even though we tried, I tried, I tried fighting for us even though I knew I no longer loved you. I really did love you, all the way until I didn’t. The lessons learnt, the moments experienced… everything that made me fall in love with you I can now cherish. In the end there was love even though I was no longer IN-love with you. This isn’t to hurt you, if you ever read this- no, this is to free myself from the memory of us because when you used to call and text I’d feel that flutter, that urge to come back to you, to who we once were even though I know I no longer loved you. I Loved You, Until I Didn’t.

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